O, What a Scary Place My Mind Has Proved to Be...

Knowing oneself is knowing capabilities. It is knowing what makes you stand and what makes you fall. It is admitting weakness as well as admitting strengths. Most of all, it’s about knowing what you can handle. Recently a teacher told me, “school is about pushing you to the limit. It’s about seeing how much you can handle, and making you stronger.” This statement is applicable outside of school as well. If you don’t know yourself and how much you can handle, how can you ever succeed and surpass your expectations and potential? Success and fulfillment will be only be attained if one truly knows his or herself.

When assigned this blog, I thought I had a pretty good grasp on who I was, what I was, and why I am who I am and what I am. Being forced to evaluate myself made me come to several realizations. One being, I don’t know myself nearly as well as I thought I did. I still have a lot to learn.

I didn’t have to think very hard to figure out my worst qualities. I came up with several, none of which I’m all too proud of. I was curious why writing down my flaws was so much easier than simply compiling one strength of mine. My faults were easily found.

My worst quality is my tendency to shut people out. In general, I am a sensitive person. I enjoy the company of my friends and I cherish the relationships and bonds I form. I hold my friendships in such high regard, and therefore find myself shutting out those who betray me in the slightest, or hurt me in the least. As I said, I am a, more or less, sensitive person. Because of this, I regrettably, quickly shut out those who hurt me. Rather than face the problems head on and confront the person, I contemptuously cut them out. Although I’m aware this is my pitfall, I do it anyways—I shut people out. It doesn’t take a whole lot for me to let a person in, though once they hurt me they are out. As a pseudo protective maneuver I simply shut out the person who hurt me, rather than make myself susceptible to more pain. I need to work on my worst quality. Despite knowing I shut people out rather than face them, I still find it hard to change this about me.

Another downfall of mine is my hatred of change. I like consistency. I enjoy predictability. I lack spontaneity. Although it’s by choice, I feel as if I’m missing something in my lack of adjustability. With college just around the corner, I await the inevitable. No matter how much I hate change, soon, my life will alter drastically. My friends will go to various parts of the country, my family’s quarks will suddenly seem more endearing, and the life I’ve known thus far will far from be the same. I know I hate change. I know this is a fault of mine. I know I need to fix this. In knowing this about myself, my weakness is addressed and I am attempting to grow.

To be honest, I sat for a long time contemplating all of my traits—which are my best, which are my worst. What makes me crack? What can I handle best? After great struggle, I concluded I don’t know myself as well as I thought. Especially after writing countless college essays, I thought I knew myself pretty well. I believed I knew who I was, what I can do and what I can’t do. Writing this made me reevaluate my thoughts.

What is my BEST quality? Though, I like to regard myself as that adorable, loving, humorous, intelligent kid who upon encountering, everybody falls in love with…this is not the case. Granted, I know I have strengths, I find them harder to define. After much contemplation I concluded my biggest strength is my passion. I have never been one who’s able to “ half-ass” anything. If I’m going to do something, I’m going to do it. I have always been into art from a young age. Entering high school, I became more and more involved in art. Art is my passion. I do what I love. I throw myself into what I love to do, and I do it well. My passion is my best quality. The devotion and fervor I show towards what I love makes me me.

In doing this blog, I found I have many more bad qualities than good. Most likely I’m just more apt to find my flaws than to find my strengths, hopefully it’s not truly the case that I have more flaws than assets. Why is it easy for me to rattle off my flaws? Why did it take me no time at all to conclude that I hate change, that I lack spontaneity, that I shut people out, that I am inhibited, that I am reluctant to let people in, and that I lack confidence? Why did it take me hours to pick just one good trait of mine? Why did I need to ask friends and family just to conjure up one good quality I believe I have? Perhaps it’s because I do lack confidence. Perhaps it’s because I need some reassurance. Perhaps it’s really just because I have a lot to work on. Maybe now I know myself better. Maybe after writing this blog entry I’ve become more in touch with who I really am and who I can become. Maybe in writing this blog, I’ll become more aware of just how many good qualities I possess, while working on diminishing my less admirable attributes.

This blog made me make sense to myself. In writing down my strengths and my weaknesses, flaws and strong points, I realized I make sense. Granted, I am still that weird kid whose mind is a crazy place, I now know the tracks of my mind at least connect and intertwine at some points.